ponecia: Diary of a Changeling Princess

Diary of a Changeling Princess

Dear Diary,

Talk about a trainwreck. Nobody but Marsh seems to care about being paid. Sure, the others CLAIM to care, but they seem pretty interested in fighting bad guys and worrying about pay later. I don't really care either way, but I thought this was a mercenary company, you know? Unity nearly left over the idea that she should only be using the company's resources for strictly company-related work. Like that was so unreasonable. Whatever, I went out to dinner with Soft Soil and came back to everyone hugging and forgiving each other. I took a quick bite and headed off for drunken movie night at Burning Ring's with SS, Marsh, and Purple Phone (Marsh's current stallionfriend).
After that Night Vision clued us into "Markhal the Cactus Bloom", who could set me up for a prostitution interview with Sultry Smiles, who Night Vision suddenly turned up with a bounty for (as well as one for Tamir). In no time flat I had an appointment and was doing the dirty with the head whore, learning all the best tricks to proper power play. Of course, after she finished talking, I had to splatter her beautiful brain all over the sheets... but oh well. She actually broke out of my memorization in the end, too. What a dynamite gal. Had a nice knife and jewelry, too. Of course then everything went to heck, a guard calling my bluff on my way out and going in to check on the boss moments after I left the room. Nothing to do then but to throw myself through a window and for Candy to ferry me to HQ.
...maybe I should lay off on doing all the work on these jobs for a bit. It's a bit exhausting.

Sincerely,

Ocelli the Overworked

P.S. Note to self, give Soft Soil the jewelry from Sultry Smiles. The poor mare needs it more than you do.

Dear Diary,

We interviewed the Underboss. It was funny 'cause I just wanted to kill her but Mistral and Unity wanted to interrogate her. The moment we get back to the warehouse, though, Mistral FORGOT why she asked me to abduct the camel and Unity outright HID the entire time. Haha, what a couple of jokers, wasting my time and effort like this. They can catch their own prey next time.
Anyway, after half an age of Candy and Marsh fumbling around we learned her name (Zarya the Small Hump), her boss slash father-in-law's name (Sharif of the Wastes) and her husband's name (Tamir of the Wastes). Also that the boss lives in a mansion in Hinnywood. Holy crap, these cretins suck at interrogations. Seriously, they just stood in front of the camel flailing, changing their stories constantly, at one point saying they were just hired to kill the camel by her own organization... which would make it confusing for us to not know the name of who supposedly hired us, right? After that I had conducted my own little interview and learned the slaver was sold to her husband to repay a 10k bit debt. Good to know the price on the head I subsequently sent rolling.
Then Unity had the gall to complain about my execution method. Something about using her gas to suffocate someone. That our gone replaces air. Whatever, freaking idiot's clearly not even a quarter as smart as she thinks she is. How she supposedly has a job outside the company is beyond me.
Last we got an email from, and subsequently met with, Night Vision. Yes, she's yet another Nightmare Moon lackey. She clued us in on the club in Oasis that Tamir watches over and serves as a trading post for a lot of bad goods, and that Tamir additionally has a mistress earth pony named Sultry Smile who used to be a hooker but now runs her own brothel. A mare after my own heart, to be sure. Unfortunately she has to die (or, at least, be "removed") so that other people can die. C'est décès.

Sincerely,

A very bored Ocelli

Dear Diary,

After that whole ordeal with the others wanting to ditch Soft I had to let my rage out. Luckily, there was an easy outlet. Heavy Load. I will make sure he loses his job. It didn't take long to organize my followers against the bastard, let alone get his IRL info and dox him properly. Let the hateful little colt burn.
Then we went to the slaughterhouse! I walked right in dressed up as the camel pimp from the whorehouse we burned down. I found the hostages, then the Underboss, and took the camel down while the others played in the water outside and set off a fire alarm.
Bob did admiralty playing a melting camel and I got the building evacuated. We took the two whore-ponies to the whore-church (along with one ex-guard camel that was being tortured) and took the Underboss back to base.
I already called ahead for one of my beefier soldiers to meet us there. The one that always bows to me when he sees me... you know, Neil.
We're going to interrogate the Underboss, then the others are going to let me kill her. Or bad things are going to happen... particularly to Mistral.

Sincerely,

Ocelli the Imminently Ferocious

Dear Diary,

Ash came back and we got paid. Marsh tried to get me to take Burning Ring with Soft Soil and I to the spa, thinking it'd be a threesome. None of these ponies get me. I really just want to coddle my little pe... friend. You know, make her feel safe and secure! Gezz.
Unity had her stuck in the trunk. Her car her rules, I guess, and Soft agreed to it. Candy also took my spot in the car. We got in a traffic jam on the way back home... Heavy Load, one of the four targets bitch-queen Supra Cerebra gave us to deal with, had nearly killed some poor pony he thought was a changeling for reasons he never said. Unity decided to stop being a bitch for ten seconds and let Soft come out to prevent the pony from dying. Afterwards I had her sit in the back of the car with me. If Unity hadn't been okay with it I was going to find a way to rip the trunk hatch right off of her car.
How DARE these ponies act like this to someone I've taken under my wing! Don't they know, with a little preparation, I could collapse their ENTIRE stupid warehouse down on their heads? STOP BEING MEAN TO SOFT!
ARG!
Ahem, after THAT ordeal we went back to base. Cerebra sent a drone to congratulate us for being in proximity to Heavy Load when the pony made a fool of himself. I then took Soil to the spa. Sadly, she's not interested in a romantic relationship as of yet. No worries, though, I can find plenty of other ways for her to pay me back for my charity. While at the spa the others figured out some new targets for us. Stuff about ponies selling pony meat to carnivores, mislabeling them as something else. Not sure I get the difference between that and eating beef (I mean, I guess I've never talked to a cow, but I could have sworn you can), but whatever. In fact, I'll come back and fill out details below when I find the time.
After I got back from the spa, though, everyone just started talking about wanting to make Soft go away. They were insistent. Very, very insistent. I said she'd been through a lot, that she needs time to recover, that we could talk about it tomorrow, anything... and they just told me I was "getting attached". Like that's a bad thing.
I swear, it's like everyone just decided to try and piss me off today. Particularly when I try to do good. Whatever they might claim, I can tell they'd have rather I'd killed Soft when I ambushed her and only brought back a corpse. Maybe that's what I'll do next time something like that comes up. See them looking into the sucking throat wound of a pony I'd torn into and see if they really like that any better.
Because if THIS is what being merciful gets me... then what's the point of it?

Sincerely,

An extremely annoyed changeling QUEEN

Dear Diary,

Tonight was the night of the graveyard guarding job. It was also the first debut of one of my drones! I picked Bob, since he was the most functional so far, and pumped him full of love. I had to go out for a quick snack afterwards, but no biggy. We returned to the graveyard with me sporting wings. I kinda forgot that Living Ash had last seen me without them, but he didn't seem to notice the difference. Which suited me fine.
Long story short the graveyard DID eventually get a few zombies that were all but impossible to re-dead, even when you blew off their heads or burned them to cinders. Unity, through Bob, helped me find the necromancer, though. Given how tricky it was, the mare getting away from me twice, it almost seemed like we weren't supposed to catch her at all! Still, she, Soft Soil, told us about a council of necromancers and that Living Ache's dad, Ravin Mad, was part of some counter-council of magi. Also, she was pretty, desperate, and lonely. And now she's mine. MINE! BWAHAHA!
She's going to be staying in my tunnels after we get back from the spa. I should have enough money to keep her well. I just need to consolidate the glowing mosses and magic crystals to an appropriately-large area and bring down a bed. Gotta love changeling construction... it makes it really easy to redecorate!

Sincerely,

The Kind and Generous Ocelli

Dear Diary,

I had myself a date night with Burning Ring and, lemme tell ya, his ring really was burning by the end of it. Definitely a keeper. Absolutely obsessed with BDSM, too. Had him eating out of my hoof. But hey, I already told all about this on my 18+ blog. Go check the archives if you're really that interested, pervy future me.
We went and met with Brunhilde, the one-eyed and extremely attractive griffin CEO of Varangian Protection Services, that merc matchup service we signed up with. Unfortunately, for all her raw allure, she was long-winded. You'd think she wouldn't have fifteen minutes to waste telling us not to get caught doing anything criminal under her banner, but you'd be wrong.
Afterwards we headed to a graveyard to meet some nobody with a shotgun willing to pay EACH of us what he makes in a MONTH (3k apparently) for a SINGLE NIGHT guarding a zombie-infested graveyard. We accepted and even hard-balled a decent 1k advance. Just... whatever. I get his shotgun for the night so I don't have to touch the rotting things and then Unity went off to buy scrap metal to reinforce the gates of the graveyard.
I know, I know. We ALL think there's something seriously off about this job, but what are we gonna do? At least I sorta got approval to check out any crypts or tombs I wanted so long as I don't "touch" anything.

Sincerely,

Ocelli the Sexy and Prudent

Dear Diary,

Tonight's the night of the big guarding-a-room-full-of-smut job! After Candy bought back some grub from her parents' (note: not actual grubs), we set out. Upon arriving Unity spent a while rigging up the windows with some kind of electronics that turned out not to matter in the slightest. I swear, that girl overdoes everything. First all those explosives for one room to kill one camel, now this. Oh, and she also set off some fire sprinklers that turned out to be gas sprinklers. I can't tell if she's smart are not.
Oh, but before all that, Unity pushed for us to elect a leader. I know I probably should have suggested this earlier on... but I just don't want to be responsible for these people. That said, I don't want them to pretend to be responsible for me. They eventually agreed to the idea of having leaders elected based on the current job and Mistral ended up the boss for this one. That basically consisted of Unity suggesting stuff and Mistral agreeing. Afterwards, Unity praised her for a job well done. I guess?
I feel like I'm being snarky. I got in a fight with Unity. I pointed out how stupid that whole brothel mission went down, blowing up part of the building at the start to take out ONE guard, thereby notifying the rest of the guards and everyone else in a ten block radius of what was going on. Then we run in and rush the alerted guards while part of the building burns. Why couldn't we have just, I dunno, rushed in WITHOUT the explosion? Maybe from all sides? Sigh... this is a tangent. Unity stated, if we'd done it "my way" all the guards would have just been fed to me. Which is kind of a point, and kind of not. It's obvious she didn't really care what my plan would have been.
ANYway, later I told the museum staff Unity was the one that set off the sprinklers. Which was true, but not nice. I guess it makes sense... they ARE kinda keeping a big secret of mine, I could have kept that tiny secret of hers. I tried to make up for it later, but I don't think she cares.
After we fought some zebra who tried to take out the paintings (only having to tackle and love drain one, who stabbed a second, after which the third and fourth fled) Marsh and I went on a date with Purple and his friend Burning. Burning is fun. We had a nice day of sex and gluttony to top off that night of mostly standing around. 10/10, would lay again. He even has a fetish for being imprisoned. It's... really tempting to steal this one away.
All the more if he really would like it.

Sincerely,

Lovable and Increasingly Considerate Ocelli

Dear Diary,

Another day, a little more pay. We got an offer for a guard job today at a museum for porn. They're installing a new security system, you see, and they're desperate to keep their provisionally 'propriated private pics. We talked about it and decided not to take the deal since they expected us to cover damages. Mistral made a pun about them trying to "frame" us. Ha!
Then we agree to sign on with some company that referred us right back to the museum job, but for less pay and responsibility. So now we're doing it? I feel kinda bad 'cause I pointed out to my followers that these fancy freaky fetish facsimiles were probably gonna be an easy mark. I don't like letting down my minions like that.
The pictures, in question, were a series of jokes. They consisted of a pun about semen, a joke about a guy being inside a girl both sexually and orally (due to her eating him), a question about alternative uses for pinecones (which I quickly found the answer for online... reminder to look up "two mares one pinecone" again sometime), and some guy's opinion of which kinds of sex are the best. I think the joke behind that last one is that all sex is fun so it's silly to categorize it? I mean, for example, it ranked being a homosexual dominant stallion as being "the best" but being a submissive homosexual stallion as second to worst... but sex is, like, a sort of equalizer? Everyone kinda enjoys it? Plus these kinds of roles are fluid... everyone wants (or should want) to try to be each one. I, particularly, have been each one several times... and I've only been alive for going on two months now. Does that make me an entire hierarchy? I guess that's sorta funny...
Anyway, then we went and saw the control room. Super cool. The animatronic hit on the purple guy there. Sucks I was stuck in deep thought and all since I really should have made a move on our employer. He was so wrapped up in that picture of the fillyfooler pinecone poet that I bet I could have set him up with a date with a "look-alike", married or no. Maybe next time. Plus, he played serious hardball during negotiations.
Finally, I went on a date with Marsh to go pick out clothes. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me, too. Didn't know the old girl was even into chicks that are, like, a thousandth her age. I even got a little taste of her love and let me tell you, momma likes.

Sincerely,

The adorable, alluring, and all-around adored (and also awesome at alliteration) Ocelli

Dear Diary,

Well, we went back to the whorehouse. The camels were none the wiser, apparently they don’t notice when an orgy grows silent. Would that I could have lured one of the camels in for a quick bite before using his screams to draw in the others, but no. Unity blew her load of explosives, wiring up the entire room to kill a single target right outside the door. I mean, like, what?
After that the camels all fell like flies. I heard a couple of them managed to spit on some of us while we were crushing them or blowing them up. I think, maybe, they didn’t realize we were fighting them. The closest thing we found to a weapon on one of them was a sort of whip that was probably for sexplay.
I get the feeling these ponies have even more bloodlust than I do; I definitely picked the right group to hang out with.
Afterwards robograndma took us out to eat while we met with another client. A bunch of zebras are having problems with a loanshark. They were less “hiring” us and more just pointing us in their enemies’ general direction. Which I absolutely have no problem with.
Then some pegasi harassed Mistral. I think. I wasn’t really paying attention… during the dinner I had my first taste of beef steak. Not bad at all, though I think I’d of preferred it either more raw or more aged. I also ended up having to eat it with pony teeth, which seemed unsuited for the task. Still, I enjoyed the experience and got a bunch of likes from my followers, which, at the end of the day, is all that really matters.

Sincerely,

Adventurous Ocelli the Benevolent

Dear diary,

It turns out nobody needed to kick down a wall! But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Some ridiculous other queen (Supra Cerebra) propositioned me today. She wants some ponies removed but doesn't want to be involved in the cloak and dagger. Like that makes sense. Well... I guess it could kinda make sense if she wanted us to just attack them publicly? Maybe run a campaign against them? They all had elected positions, after all. Meeting in a dark alley didn't really convey that sense, though.
Nor did sending a drone to badmouth me, but I dealt with him in the only reasonable way a changeling of my rank should.
(he's dead, hehe)
Supreme queen whatever claimed she knew what happened. She doesn't, not exactly, I got the drone before her weak hive mind could do a thing. Then she made a vague threat that we should stay out of her way and/or complete the mission she'd be paying us peanuts for. Really a very, very stupid queen.
I look forward to eating her, too <3
Afterward we hit the whorehouse. The camels quickly succumbed to my charms and, without even asking, I had all our prey in the same windowed room with me. Taking it upon myself to have a little fun while everyone else accomplished the "very difficult" (I'm using quotes for sarcasm) job of flying the ponies to the ground, we made out like bandits without the camels realizing a thing. Well... left like bandits. We didn't get to make out at all. I swear, these ponies hug each other every couple hours but it's been DAYS since I got to shove my tongue so far down someone's throat they passed out.
Anyway, before long we were getting paid and I was already looking toward the next adventure when, suddenly, everyone started talking about going back and ending those camels. Given the way they've spread out their security I'm willing to bet I could empty that house all on my own again, but I get the feeling most everyone wants literally knock the whole place down instead. Whatever, I might be operating on a full tank, but I'm a queen, I should be allowed to gorge myself from time to time

Sincerely,

Ocelli the Clever and Heroic. And maybe a little gluttonous.

Dear diary,

Today started off with a bang! You know, 'cause "Unity" nearly blew up HQ. It's times like this I really begin to appreciate the diligence of my protodrones… you couldn't even tell the place had been damaged by the time we got back from the whore-lovers church. Interesting job so far, that. 25 grand for a few ponies Marsh insists cost 5. That's a... 5000% markup? Is that right? That old robo-gal must of experienced more in her long, long, long life than I care to imagine.
That reminds me, it'll be my one-month birthday in two days. Need to find a treat to celebrate the occasion. I'm thinking twins.
Anyway, on to the job... casing the whorehouse. I'm actually kinda surprised nobody noticed that ugly lot skulking about the place, particularly once Marsh started searching their gutters and sewers... possibly for some long-lost relatives. I, for my part, instead spent my skulk time seducing some young pup with my masculine wills. Sweeter than cider.
Afterward we discussed our plan. As far as I can tell it amounts to this: I do all the complicated stuff, infiltrating the building, finding the mares, securing the area... then they kick down a wall and get four fifths of the pay.
...but, hey, I'm the generous sort. No sense in doing anything duplicitous. Well, writing about doing anything duplicitous, anyway.

Sincerely,

The wonderful and generous Ocelli