Nononsanc

"It's sarcastic and laconic." ~Lucca

Session 4: The Trouble with Torture

Last week on nonsanc ball z, possibly the most boring torture scene I've ever experienced vicariously through the medium of text-based roleplay, in which the most even-tempered torturee gave up all of the ghosts in the quickest and least satisfyingly way possible. Why are the torture scenes in the RP based on cartoon ponies from a kid's show more potent than the ones in a future dystopia based on a children's video game?

Will the world ever know? Truly?

Session 5: Fort Sweet Fort

We blinded him with science!

...which turned out to not be very difficult given how very little about it he turned out to know. Yes, the mighty morphing logical analyzer, an almost mythic race of mons of which Ann the OP was a part of, actually didn't really know how to copy and paste the, presumably, vast library of modding procedures his master has at his disposal. Can we rename him PEBCAK? It seems more appropriate at this point.

In any case, everything he tells us either agrees with what we know or what we assumed, which is all easily as convenient as his frustratingly-willing cooperation, so we go kidnap him back to our REAL base this time and break down our torture pleasant happy diplomacy shed.

Now that we're all settled in at our real HQ, it's time to figure out what the heck we're actually supposed to be doing, here. A somewhat tricky prospect given every bit of intelligence we've gathered so far seems pretty questionable... particularly our own.

Session 6: Planning for Success, Failure, or at Least Something Interesting

Our PCs wake up to that dangerous, burning question that constantly hounds every RPG adventuring party... "Okay, what do we do now?" What would have been our main lead is ignorant of any bigger picture and rather than our burglary causing any sort of real panic in the mon shop's owners regarding the possibility of their real puppeteers being discovered... they're mostly just worried about losing us as customers. Not any of the product, not the apprentice modder mon, just Prettywings.

I vote we ask Lilith to walk in there with a dirty blond bob-cut wig, sweatpants, ugly sunglasses, smacking gum, and answering to the name “Karen” and then TRULY raise some hell. If Reddit is any indication, Karens get things DONE.

In any case, now we’re headed to talk to “Henry ‘the Magnificent’ Harvey” of the Battle Artists. What will we talk to him about? No idea. My money’s on Ann just telling him about everything we’ve come across so far in the RP and asking if he can think of something for us to do about any of it. Oh, right, and this exchange:

• Marigold: Gosh, I can’t imagine what it’d be like to not have a horn and fabulous hair.
• Neko: Gosh, I can’t imagine what it’d be like to not have wings.
• Arachne: Gosh, I can’t imagine what it’d be like to only have one set of arms.
• Ann: Gosh, I can’t imagine what it’d be like to not be able to dominate and puppeteer as many other sentient mons as I want at any time.

One of these things is not like the others, clearly. I mean, her hair isn’t THAT fabulous...

After that came the group viewing of Arachne’s graffiti slash my ten minutes’ work in GIMP, jumping into a van, and then a quick VROOM with a sudden BOOM.

Session 7: Battle For The Truck, I Think

The first battle of the new campaign and it's oddly more boring and confusing than I remember. I think the crux of the problem is that our party consists of a spider-themed art nerd, a punk-themed computer nerd, the cutest little ball of flying fluff that ever did exist, Emerald-but-without-powers, a sci-fi changeling, and a three-headed SCP-682. With the exception of that last one, not really the fittest fighting force. Luckily our truckmon swapped in as a great pitch-hitter, showing those feral krav-magamons who really wins in a contest between power and technique.

Session 8: Meeting Henry/Harry/Harold/Harvey/Harley/Haberdashery the Magnificent Meeting Jessica the Bad Idea

First we spend a lot of time on the train and I do mean a LOT of time. Multiple stops, one after the other, with delays to get on or off at each. It... really simulated the experience of a train ride, in that way. Yup.

On the way, Lilith calls her new BFF and gets her to meet us at the battle arena. I do not have words to fully state how badly this went over with... everyone. After an extended period of what can best be described as inter-party thrashing Lilith finally meets with her BFF. Following that now-ex-BFF leaving forever, things go over even more badly, somehow.

Session 9: Meeting Harris/Hestia/Helvetica/Hamtaro the Magnificent, But for Real This Time

Having the previous meeting all but literally buggered up, the four-legged members of the party get to (in-character, at least) waste a little less time in meeting our host. Huzzah! If only he wasn’t, himself, pretty much a waste of time! Oh no!

And so we are given two options: try to find one Mixer Macaroni to ask why his mons are always so gosh-darn janky as canuck or, alternatively, we could meet with the (presumably) youngster Ned Kendall, about whom we’re told that it’s like her Electrawuff is in the top percentage of Electrawuffs.

All that, a prospective remodel for Ann, a photography session of Neko playing around in large clothes, and that makes our session.

Session 10: Downtime/Uptime/High Crimes/Bad Rhymes

The team, minus Arachne, decide to couch surf at an old lady’s house (one whom colorfully enjoys playing the electric guitar). In the dark of the night we completely forget that we know that Jonesen planned on staging a robbery at his shop to cover up the fact that he thinks (or, at least, we think he thinks) the bird we gave him has been stolen (by us). As a result of (or perhaps in spite of... or regardless of... I’m not entirely sure what is or isn’t a connected thought anymore... how/why is it this game a source of near-existential bewilderment?)... this, we try to rip out their mon’s brain. It doesn’t go quite as well as hoped, but nothing of value was lost in the attempt.

In fact, it's such a rousing success, several PCs decide to hug it out and cry in celebration of this complete and utter success.

Like winners!

Session 11: Fighting the Bad Fight

Haha, train station goes BRRT.

This session was almost exactly what it was like back when I was playing pokemon red with a gameshark, switching pokemon types and attacks in and out mid-battle, all while the other trainer AI keeps on trucking like a regular jim-bob. I mean, Coolcat is a cool cat and all, of course, but can you imagine if she was a completely glitched-out, save-eating monstrosity halfway through the elite four?

Session 12: Mixing with Marconi

Oh yeah, time to get all up inside Marconi. Inside his apartment, inside his head, inside his pants, inside his cat's ego, just all inside. Getting all the inside goods.

...and it's all SOOOOOO good. Totally worth it. Absolutely valuable time spent inside Marconi, with no regrets whatsoever. An absolutely, unadulterated triumph of infiltration.

YAY

Session 13: Down came the rain and washed the spider out

Arachne exits stage right, after which Cobalt enters stage... middle. Finally, our company has a full squad of criminals.

Even more than that, though, we're now halfway through successfully changlingizing mons. We have a mon that can shapeshift and a mon that can turn invisible. If we get a mon that can exist without its body (maybe by existing in the cloud and controlling multiple bodies remotely) and then a mon that can instantly disintegrate people by sucking on them, we'll have successfully brought nearly everything gamebreaking about changelings into noncanc! Or, wait, do you suppose Lilith can already do that last one? If so, just one left!

...just don't tell Bryce. I don't think he's noticed yet, but you can never be too sure about that guy.

Session 14: Virgil, our future punching-bag

Lilith shares with us an encrypted message from one "Virgil" who's being so vague and coy it's nearly as adorable as it is punchable. I mean, seriously, let me cross-post:

• "To whoever owns the mon who gave this address (and DO NOT reply to this there):
• I acquired this address, and the information on what your mon was doing with the person it gave it to, and what your _other_ mons have been doing recently, though channels you don't want to know about and I'm not going to say.
• I hope that you just want to "rescue" some big shot's, maybe you, maybe someone you know or who hired you, pet or sex mon you think the Bender Gang stole, but I'll tell you to give up there; even if it was the Bender Gang that did it, which it probably wasn't, the chances of you getting it back are bad and a low lower than that of you getting hurt.
• But from what I've heard, I think you're after a _different_ mon the BG's supposed to have, and take if from me, not only are you not going to get it, you _don't_ want it. You think you do, sure, who wouldn't want one, but that thing's _dangerous_. Unless by "rescue" you mean "shoot", in which case more power to you. My advice, get out of here, and I mean the Bay Region; I'd tip off uMon, but no way the BG isn't prepared for them to come down on this, and I don't know enough about how to do any good.

• You want to contact me for some reason, do it here: <anonymous email address>

• But seriously, drop this, and move out; it's _not_ worth it.

• Virgil"

You just know we're gonna find this guy and ruin his entire life, starting with his cute little face.

My fingers are gettin' twitching just thinking about the textual meat grinder this shmuck's gonna get shoved through.

Then again, that might just be the quarantine aggression speaking. Luckily, that's more this fictional geek's problem than my own.

Session 15: Losing plot speed, part 1

We talk about the previous message and decide to meet with Lily-Rose of the Diablo Gang.

Session 16: Losing plot speed, part 1.1

Lily-Rose tells us she doesn't know anything about modding, the Bender Gang, or... anything related to anything so far. The Iron Society apparently has guns, now, though. I guess we should be interested in that? After all, with guns, they could be all threatening to society and stuff, like a REAL gang. Might even cause some anarchy and disorder, and you know how much rebellions hate those things. Heck, maybe we could even try to steal the guns for ourselves! You know, that way we can both tick off the Iron Society AND give uMon a reason to call in some airstrikes!

But really, I get the feeling we (reasonably) gave a hard-pass to that and went on our way.

Oh, and Arachne's been kidnapped. I guess that's sorta exciting, if only insofar as to the fact that Ann forgot to install any remote wiping software in the bughead.

Session 17: Losing plot speed, part 1.1.1

Due to a time paradox, no effort of the party can successfully save Arachne. Due to entirely related frustration, no effort will be made to find humor in our narrative flailing. At least, not at this time.

At least Lilith's getting popular, though. Lotta female humans talkin' on forums about how they're positively aching for some of those meta-morphing melons, those contorting cans, those transmuting tah-tahs, those bio-diversifying bagongaloos!

Session 18: Losing plot speed, part 1.1.1.GROAN

We hit a dead end in the Arachne investigation and, basically, give up. Sigh.

Luckily, Virgil get a Drive-by-Download on a trap blog ironically advertising our skills in technocraft. Or... maybe not ironic. Pointedly? Sure, let's go with that.

Ann doxes the sucker (I mean, just to the rest of the party, but still) and we end the session all but right outside his door. Finally, it's time for the punching to commence!