• unworld

unworld: parody by other means

Session 1bun:

• Sanguine: We start our story ‘‘in media res’’, and so, CAW! CAW CAW CAW!!

• IcePlant: That’s not how our “story” started. We met at the docks, not when the giant chicken showed up.

• SmileStreak: I would contend many a great story has begun in strange circumstances. It would make sense for our stories to start when that bird first landed on the boat and we had to recognize the ancient wisdom of noble Bunfucious: that “One must fight the chicken, lest one become one.”

• IcePlant: I still think it’d make more sense to start when we introduced ourselves.

• Spicebush: Spicebush.

• IcePlant: See? Spicebush agrees.

• Heli: Now, partner, I reckon that might fly in one of them there no-pictury paper thingabobs you slick sons of buns might have in your monkhouses and whatnot, but me, I’m a bun of action, and I say let Sanguine tell it like it is.

• IcePlant: ...fine.

• Sanguine: Okay, so, anyway, I pulled out my voodoo doll and I started poking like it was prom night.

• SmileStreak: ...I do wonder how that thing you call a doll is supposed to proxy for a bird.

• Sanguine: Well, you know how birds evolved from giant lizards many years ago?

• SmileStreak: Yeah?

• Sanguine: And you know how they then evolved back into lizards and took over congress?

• SmileStreak: No?

• Sanguine: That’s why.

• SmileStreak: Ah, I see. Thank you, for as Aristobun once said “There is no greater wisdom than in sharing it. Particularly if it involves lizards.”

• Sanguine: Anyway, like I was saying, after stabbing my doll, a task made no easier by you all firing your popguns, the chicken’s head blew off.
• Spicebush: Spicebush spicebush, spice spice bush.
• Sanguine: I don’t care how you remember it, I’m the storyteller, here, so we’re going with my version.
• Lily: Okay, we’re going to cut short the retelling of this riveting tale of chicken killing on the high seas, okay? The convoy will be halfway to Weedfarrow before you’re done. Just get to it, grab the baroness’ gift, and get out. Any questions?

• Heli: Just one, miss. Now, I can’t help but observidate that none o’ us here seem particularly inclinated towards the skull and duggery professions, so, how exactly are we supposed to take this gift without causing all sorts of ruckus and kerfuffle, you recken?

• Spicebush: Spicebush spicebush bushspice.
• Heli: Oh, I see. Ehem, no further questions, then.
• Lily: Good, and now a word from our sponsors

• VaultParcel: Do you have a package you need delivered? A parcel you need conveyed? A bundle you need bared? A suitcase shipped? Case conveyed? Sack shifted? An awesomely amalgamous assortment locked, loaded and lugged? WELL I’M YOUR BUN! Anything, anywhere, anytime, anything! Restrictions apply, I must be able to carry it, BUT I CAN CARRY A WHOLE LOT LET ME TELL YA! Surprise your friends, astonish your foes, while I drop from the sky with most of a dining set and a bouquet of flowers for an afternoon picnic with the missus! Astonish even more when I drop in with a minifridge for the leftovers! That’s right! Act now for the low, low price of ninty nine, ninty nine, ninty nine, and stay tuned!

Session 2:

• Lily: Hello and welcome back from the timeski... I mean, from sleeping. We’re at that place you wanted to get to, whatsitcalled. You can have breakfast, but then kindly get your bun buns off my bun boat.
• Sanguine: What’s on the menu and how much does it bleed?
• Cook: I’ve got culburt and druff with a sweet sauce.
• Smile: Sounds interesting, what’s in it?
• Cook: Everything a sailor needs. Carbs, protein, and enough hallucinogens to make you think this is a life worth living.
• Smile: Delightful, and from such a lovely cook, too!
• Cook: *blushes* Oh my...
• Heli: Tasty as a pickled peach in BBQ sauce!
• Cook: ...that’s good, right?
• Sanguine: I wouldn’t mind a piece of her if you get what I’m saying...
• Cook: Oh, stop it, you...
• Spicebush: Spicebush.
• Cook: *gasp*
• Ice: Spicebush, you go too far! You apologize this instant!
• Spicebush: ...spicebush?
• Ice: I swear, we are so sorry, I don’t know what’s gotten into her. We’ll leave immediately.
• Cook: I should hope so!
• Sanguine: ...uh, but seriously, a leg, a thigh, anything will do, so could you please cut something off and chuck it into my mouth, already?
• Cook: Hah, such a kidder, you are! Now out.
• Sanguine: Sigh... ad time.
• Vault: Do you have stuff?! Do you need it elsewhere?! Why haven’t you given me money yet, then?! Top of the tallest mountain? I’m there! Bottom of the deepest canyon? I’m there, too! If it is even REMOTELY possible to hop there, I have hop hop hopped there fifty ZILLION times! Honest! Remember: anything, anywhere, anytime, anything!
• Ice: *claps* Bravo, bravo! I like your shirt, too.
• Vault: Oh, this old thing? Yeah, “Ask Me How I Handle Packages” seemed like a killer catchphrase. Unfortunately, people seem to be getting a little confused about what I’m actually offering.
• Spicebush: SPICEBUSH! Spicebush spicebush spicebush!
• Heli: What’s that, girl? You say, while we were wastin’ time being neighborly, you rustled us up a ship, and with only a double-price upcharge for our resident lizardfolk?
• Sanguine: Hey, just because I eat kits doesn’t mean I don’t eat other things, too. They have no right to discriminate against me and my dolls!
• Smile: Well, that aside, we will also have a day of layaway due to the captain having a hot date with the local chief’s son. Someone she appears to be attracted to, at least in part, due to the fact that she can overpower him.
• Ice: ...you say that as if it’s not normal.
• Spicebush: Spicebush
• Ice: Exactly.
• Smile: I’ve just always heard it said that love is a thing between equals.
• Ice: Yeah, but my momma told me don’t worry about your size, she said “boys like a little more booty to hold at night”
• Smile: I’m going to remember that quote.
• Ice: You’re welcome, then.
• Spicebush: SPICEBUSH!
• Heli: You heard the pokemon, let’s head on out!

Session 3:

• Vault: Do you need poison for a ship captain’s date? Do you also need a councilor for said captain to get her to cheer up and get back to work ferrying you up-river? I don’t offer either of those services, but if you need several swift spike-toed kicks* delivered to a couple wannabe riverboat pirates holding you up, I’m your bun!

_{*: each kick sold separately, bulk discounts may apply, check your local retailer for more details}

Session 4:

• Bandits: Your cargo or your life!
• Smile: I’ll see your cargo and raise you a crushed ribcage...
• Vault: ...and a hole ripped in your gut...
• Heli: ...and a transcranial hemorrhage...
• Spicebush: Spicebush SPICEbush.
• Sanguine: ...and the same from me!
• Bandits: I’d like to see you try!

• *later*

• Bandits: We regret seeing you try.

• PlumBeat: Well, good luck keeping all those guts in your chest. If not, I guess we’ll be seeing you on the way back down-river in a few days time, eh?

Session 5:

• Smile: Nice tats
• Ice: Nice gun
• Heli: Nice breakfast
• Spicebush: Spice bush.
• Sanguine: Nice barge
• Vault: Nice ominous hippo monster tracks

• PlumBeat: ...yes, how nice.

Session 6:

• Sanguine: Girls! Girls! They’re smuggling drugs!
• Vault: So?
• Sanguine: ...okay, you make a good point, but still...
• Dockbun: Okay, name, occupation, and reason for visit please.

• Spicebush: SpiceBush, spiceBush... Spicebush.

• Ice: That goes for the rest of us, too.
• Dockworker: ...yeah, sure, why not.
• Spicebush: Spicebush. *to the others* Spicebush! Spicebush spicebush, spicebu-
• Smilestreak: Look, I’m sorry to interrupt was definitely going to be a very well-thought-out plan, but we’ve essentially been cooped up in one ship or another for weeks, so I probably speak for MOST of us when I say it’s time for this mossy stone to start rolling... so bye.

And so they scattered, most towards the Beechloam manor, Smile to a monastery, Spicebush to the post office, and Sanguine to a dark magic shop (following the manor visit). While I wouldn’t typically be this informative in one of these farcical logs, the lack of an “official” log merits me trying to make this one quasi-fit that need as well.

Session 7:

• Other than starting off with near the entire team playing in the town fountain like it’s the opening to Friends, this session was pretty much just everyone finishing their own random task.
• Spicebush: Retrieved a super spy pack full of more equipment and intelligence than the team could have ever learned on their own.
• Sanguine: Got some new voodoo fetishes to help her be an even better skin-walker.

• VaultParcel: Geared up for her future role as an iron chef

• SmileStreak: Checked out the local monastery.

• IcePlant: Helped everyone else with their planning.

• Heli: Suggested we cosplay as plumbers. Mama mia!